‘I don’t belong here… I don’t belong anywhere… I just don’t fit in! No matter the space I stand in, I just don’t quite feel like I fit. Who am I to be doing this? I can feel everyone’s eyes on me… Staring at me, silently judging me, questioning me: what is he doing here? Why is he doing that? He’s a bit weird, isn’t he? I truly feel like an imposter!!!’ —————- Have you ever had any of those thoughts? Ever felt incredibly out of place? Felt like you don’t belong?
PAUSE – Let me quickly say, I am not writing this in search of validation, or encouragement… I am not fishing for anything. I promise! However, when my wife and good mate both said they are worried about me, it led me to reflect as to why? What is happening inside my brain that is making others worried for me? That’s led to this reflection… So, with that… here we go… UNPAUSE.
Truth is, many of us probably feel like we don’t belong in some way, shape or form, at some time in our lives. I am sure we can all remember some sort of awkward teen moment, trying to find our place as we navigate life. Perhaps, it wasn’t just teen years, perhaps it was just last week, while at work, or with friends, or maybe even with your family. Sometimes, we just feel out of place. Most times, that’s perfectly normal. Most times, it may be for a short moment, or short phase, or a season of adjustment. However, when it becomes more recurring, longer term, and wide ranging (as in not just in one aspect of your life), it may cause some deeper thinking. That’s kind of where I am at:
- You may or may not know, that I am currently in process of reading for and writing my master’s dissertation. If I am going to be perfectly honest with you, it has been a struggle. I’ve been faced with the question of why? Why have I found it so hard… I’m academically minded (or can be when necessary, haha), I enjoy it, I currently have time for it… So, what is it? Then it hit me: I feel as if I don’t belong. Why am I doing this. Me, a MASTERS? Why? Who is going to read it? What’s the point of it? I am not really an academic? I am not that guy! I don’t belong here…. I’m an imposter!
- Something most of you won’t know is, I have recently joined a gym (I know, I know…). It’s a decision I didn’t come to lightly. I have for years battled with my weight and healthy living. I have in past, managed to get on top of weight loss, and some fitness (never really reaching my goal, ideal weight, endurance, strength or look). As I sat on the static bike, and then the leg press, and weight machines (I am so sore right now, I am sooooo out of shape haha), I felt so out of place. SO OUT OF PLACE! The funny thing is, the gym is actually a brilliant space, with people of all ages, genders, body types, fitness levels. Genuinely, there was such a variety of people… YET… yet, I feel out of place… I feel like an imposter… what am I doing here? I don’t belong here! I’m an imposter!
- I love my kids, so much, it’s unreal. With that love, comes a desire to support them in all their endeavours and currently that includes taking my two youngest to a cricket field every friday afternoon, to watch them train, and support them. Here’s the thing… I know nothing about cricket… like NOTHING! I have never played, I have never watched a game, and honestly never been interested in it. That can make my time there, a bit awkward. You might be thinking, ‘why Adrian? Your an extrovert, who can talk to just about anyone, right?’ Well yeah, right, I can, however, I am finding it really hard. I am struggling in socialising with other parents. The idea of making small talk, seems so distant and pointless, so then, I panic. My mind starts racing, and I stand there, awkwardly… Watching. I don’t play, I don’t run, I don’t talk… I don’t belong here! I’m an imposter!
- I’m on this sabbatical break from church, as you know… which has been so great, to stop, to think, to process… I have loved it… BUT, it has been tough, because it has been a time to stop, to think, to process! I encounter the thought bubbling back up to the surface (that has been there for years)… how am I a pastor… Me? Really? I can’t… there are better preachers, better communicators, better leaders, people who care more, who know the bible more. They’re doing fine without me, they don’t need me… surely, I am not the one for this… surely not… I don’t belong here! I’m an imposter!
Ok… before you start feeling all sorry for me, don’t! That’s not the point of this, right!These are just some of my thoughts… You may be reading this and thinking, I agree, you don’t belong! Fair enough! Or you may be thinking, ‘what are you on about?’ Or perhaps, you can see yourself in these type of scenarios, and you too feel like an imposter, like you don’t belong. In my thinking and processing, I’ve been reminded of a term that is used more often nowadays which is that of imposter syndrome. ‘Imposter syndrome (IS) is a behavioral health phenomenon described as self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals. These individuals cannot internalize their success and subsequently experience pervasive feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, depression, and/or apprehension of being exposed as a fraud in their work, despite verifiable and objective evidence of their successfulness.[1] The terms imposter syndrome and imposter phenomenon (IP) are used interchangeably, with IP gaining more frequent use in recent literature.1 Imposter syndrome, or phenomenon, comes with being ‘high achieving.’ Which then leads me to think, am I high achieving? Am I really achieving highly in those scenarios? Or am I just simply a fraud, an actual imposter?
See… even just then, my brain defaulted to being an imposter…but WHY? I have had these thoughts, at times in past… but not frequently. But, let me unpack it… What am I on about?
Let’s be clear, the definition of ‘high achiever’ is entirely subjective, so we may have different views on that! However, when I sit and reflect on the above scenarios, I could argue that I am high achieving: I did well on my BA in Theology, and enjoyed every minute of study; I can be healthy, loose weight and change my lifestyle (I’ve done it successfully before, and want to now); I can socialise, and connect/mingle with others, even those who share other interests than me like cricket (I’ve done this my entire life, I love people, and feed off of that connectivity); in terms of pastoring and church leadership, God has been so good, and gracious, but I have seen ‘high achievement’ in that, from church growth, blessed and privileged opportunities to preach, to share, to journey with others. I have ‘achieved highly!’ Yet, I still feel like a fraud. My mind can sometimes truly plague me… I’m not deserving, I’m not good enough…
Pretty grim right? I know, it can seem that way… but it’s true, it’s real life! HOWEVER, deep in that pit of feeling like an imposter I am reminded of who God says that I am. I am reminded of the simple truth that I am a child of God, that I am a co-heir with Christ, that I belong… I am reminded that God has plans and purposes for me, beyond my understanding… Don’t get it twisted, I don’t feel I deserve it… any of it… but who am I to argue with God? Who am I to say, that God’s promise of love, forgiveness, identity and belonging isn’t real, or isn’t for me! It IS for me… and it is for YOU! And let’s be honest here, there are plenty of people in scripture who seem to have felt ill equipped and imposter-like: Moses (not wanting to do as God asked him, trying to pass the buck to others), David (chosen to be king as a kid in a field watching sheep, having to wait years and years before that word came to fruition), Peter (having denied Jesus, and feeling an absolute failure), and many more! We just have to accept it, and own it, and be reminded who we are in HIM! I have massive imposter syndrome at times, and suspect that this will be something I battle on a regular basis, for life, but I need to remember who I am in Christ… because, if He leads, if He equips, if He gifts me, then I’m not a a fraud or an imposter… I am who I’m called to be, I am exactly in the right place, at the right time! Full stop! That seems like a tough pill to swallow, but I need to keep on swallowing it…
So, if you’re feeling like a fraud, like an imposter where you are, let me encourage you to stop, and take stock of all that God is doing in and through you. What’s He calling you in? Who does HE say that you are? Because, I’d hazard a guess to say, you’re not really an imposter, even if you feel like it!
Featured image by Randy Fath on Unsplash
- Imposter Phenomenon, National Library of Medcecine. Access the article here. ↩︎
Simple Faith 
Academic impostor syndrome is prevalent. I thought it was just me until I heard a very dear and experienced NT lecturer, known to us both, tell a room that he felt like an impostor in the academic space – and he was in his 60s at the time. So, you’re in good company! But have you thought about regular conversations with a spiritual director on these kinds of topics? As you know, I swear by it. 🙂
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Thanks for the comment 😉
I haven’t got a spiritual director, and may need to consider. Do have several peer mentors and mentors… but often times (in a good way) it’s more informal, so perhaps need to formalise something!
Food for thought! Thank you!
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